Rhetorica

Recovering

Erica — Thu, 19 Jul 2007 21:42:16 +0000

Surgery…is nothing…nothing like i ever expected it to be.

The surgery itself took 5 1/2 hours. They took out 10 inches of diseased intestine, my appendix (which was destroyed by crohn’s) and an ovarian cyst the suze of a golf ball. Now i don’t feel like such a complainer – see how much was wrong with me? haha

Its thursday and I still feel sick. Some belly pain, but the morphine takes care of it. I cant walk well without there being pain, im sooo congested, its hard to breath, talk…ugh. They have a tube in my throat that drains my stomach and keeps me from throwing up, which is good. I REALLY want my intestine to “wake up” so I can get the tube out – it’s sooo annoying and painfull.

Whats the next thing im dreading? Getting another IV. I had two, but then the one in my hand just hurts too much, so we thought we didn’t need it anymore and they took it out. But we’re going to need another IV as it turns out, so I dont know. I dont like getting sticked with needles. I always close my eyes and don’t move an inch….it doesnt hurt that much….but IV’s just suck ….

I want to cough…so so bad…ow….

mmm…..best thing is though, im not the least bit hungry

Depths of doubt

Erica — Mon, 16 Jul 2007 04:28:48 +0000

a song written by me

I want to be happy

I want to be strong

I want to be perfect

I want to move on

I sink into shadows

Depths of Doubt

Its hard to explain

Its hard to get out

And why

Why do they tell me that I

That I’m brave

And I’m gonna survive

And I feel like it’s all a lie

And why

Why do I tell myself I

Do- not deserve

To realize

That these are not lies, no no

How

How can I be brave?

But at the same time feel so scared

Is it braver to hide?

Or is it to share?

If I tell you I’m scared does it mean that I’m not brave?

And of these feelings I should be ashamed?

Will you still see that I know I’ll make it?

Even if I

Try

Try to fake the pain that I feel

Make it seem like it isn’t real

Put it away in my mind

So others don’t see why

And they might

Get the impression that I

Am strong and I know I’ll survive

And I do, but that doesn’t stop

These feelings that arise

What I have isn’t serious. It isn’t a big deal to me. But when I open up to others, do I make it a big deal? Or is it really a big deal and I kid myself into thinking it isnt, just so I seem strong? Or possibly to make it go away? Do others think that I’m dramatic and making something huge out of something small? Is it okay to resist the urge to want everyone to know whats going on with me? Who do I tell? Do I want sympathy? Pity? Encouragement? Do I want them to know who I really am…that I really am strong? But is it weak to tell them? If they were in the same situation, would they deal better than I do? If they were in a worse situation, do they scoff at mine?
All these questions, but in the end? I know. I know this isn’t anything huge. I know it’s not even worth expressing to others, why do they need to know anyway? I am strong. I can complain, and I can be scared, but inside I know I’m strong.

Like my 9 year old self said….everyone has a problem…and this one is mine…and I will deal with it.

Goodnight.

In the hospital

Erica — Sun, 08 Jul 2007 03:05:30 +0000

Storyy timee

Thursday i didn’t feel good, I was sick all morning! I couldnt move since i was in sooo much pain, well, i thought it was so much pain then, in hiensight it wasnt THAT bad but I didn’t want to get out of bed. But I didnt eat or anything and then I threw up…so my mom called the doctor and i had to go to the hospital. That night.

We packed and i was bummed. I waited forever for stuff, omg. We got there at 9 and i didnt get a room until 4. Anddd i had to take an X Ray AND a Cat Scan. CAT SCANS ARE THE SHIT!! i mean they’re like cool. Except they put in this thing in my IV (eww IV!) which made me feel…warm…in places…eckejifjdkjf But this thing goes round and around and around and its lish vrushvrushvrush and you’re like moving slooowly you dont even know you’re moving and you get dizzy its like whoa……..

Hospitals are so FREAKING INNEFICIENT!!! they’re disgusting, and the nurses ask you the same things allthe time. I have a nice doctor though!!

I felt miserable ! until i got the internet then i felt chipper. Ooh, i have an infection and im going to get a surgery. I got presents!! ^_^ well two bears, a balloon, a singing balloon! and a singing gator and a singing sunflower. <333

Getting internet was soo hard! To get to the internet i have to go to the lobby of this floor, which im not allowed to go to, and the wireless there sucked and i needed to sit close to the window, etc. So we got dial-up in my room, yay!

Im on medicines that make me emotional and happy and sad …lol!

theres so much to rant and complain about but I rather not. They stuck me FIVE times ;_; aww…and um…i need to be here for TWO weeks!!!!!! and im going to get a surgery.

but im upbeat nonetheless

technorati tags:hospital, sick, sucks, crohns, rant, lol

SYLVAN HOLLOW

Erica — Tue, 03 Jul 2007 06:10:01 +0000

CHECK IT OUT!

http://z6.invisionfree.com/sylvan_hollow/index.php?act=idx

WORKED ON THIS SITE FOR MONTHES

Drop out

Erica — Sat, 09 Jun 2007 04:44:42 +0000

I hate dropping out.

I hate myself more for actually believing I wasnt going to leave that way.

I’m really going to cry. I just feel so terrible. I didnt want to drop. I know it was just a sim contest but still i made all these empty promises and grew so attatched to my model…and I wanted to exceed…I wanted to do better than last time…

but I dropped out like a failure. and now everyone will know im a drop out. I cant ever enter a contest again. I dont even want to LOOK at a sim.

Way to start finals week.

blahblah

Erica — Thu, 24 May 2007 21:52:01 +0000

so…I went to the doctors yesterday and was told something I havent been told for a couple of years now. Not like I didnt expect it. Infact, I knew it was coming. But still, I’m having doubts. I need to get some tests done to see how bad my condition of crohn’s is. Crohns aint that bad. I mean, seriously, I lost TEN POUNDS since my last doctors apointment. Yeah, sure, my iron level is drastically low and im always tired, and yeah, i have almost no appetite. And I’m in pain 85% of the day. But when I’m not in pain, its great. I like it and like losing weight because I am short, and I am chubby, and everyone knows it. I would rather have a skinny skinny figure than the one i have now. But that is besides the point.

Im taking all my medication regularly. But its not working, yeah. It never really has worked to stop the disease. Remicade…well…its not an option. It actually makes the inflamation worse, but makes the pain go away for long long long times. Which I like. So that leaves this. The fact that there’s a ten inch section of my intestine that is diseased. It’s the size of my pinky and extremely irritated. And if they cut it out…well…it will be as if I dont have a disease for a minimum of seven years (because it comes back. Blah!)

So, that might be my summer. Getting an oporation. I cried last night thinking about it. So scary! Being in a hospital, completely knocked out while you lay on the table and someone pokes and prods inside of you…taking stuff out of you…not to mention I probably would need to clear my intestine before the surgery so I wont be able to eat before it. Or seven days after it. Ugh.

But after that…it will be better. I can’t imagine it almost when a time comes when I don’t have the stomach pain, the acid reflux, the fatique, the colorlessness, the weight loss…I have never been a whiner. Thats what the doctors say. And when I heard about the surgery, I was just like whatever. Its alright. Its fine. Its good. It is. It just freaks me out alittle.

I mean…I will be like covered….right? They wont see me naked or anything O_O *shudders*

I mean thats the type of stuff im worried about. Not the medical stuff. I just could never be a doctor. And, I dont want something in my body. Its weird!

But I need to take 19 pills a day now. GRRR. hopefully i wont be all forgetfull.

I should get dressed. My door is open O_o

EDIT…..I hate this disease with a passion….so…its becoming to a point where it is not tolerable anymore

Happy Mothers Day, Mom! Here’s some soap that will burn through your skin!!

Erica — Fri, 11 May 2007 23:22:00 +0000

Last week in chemistry we did an experiment. We made soap. It was so much fun, really. First we all picked a crayon. Our team picked a pink one. Then we melted some lard and poured water into some NaOH…really really strong base y’all. PH of 13 or 14. Then we melted the crayon in the lard and added it to the base, and then poured it into cups. Today we were going to get ours back in time to give to our mothers for mothers day.

Well, I get mine back. It’s a gorgeous pink color. I’m very happy. I take the PH strip and I test it. It was green, which meant I was good to go! so what I did was I went over to the garbage and I take it out of the cup.

Unfortunatly I assumed since I tested it and the PH was fine, that it was, infact, fine. I had taken off my gloves. As I was taking the soap out I noticed something very…odd. It was leaking. A liquid was coming out of the bottom of my soap.

I dont know what was wrong with me but in a panic I transfer it back and forth between my hands and the liquid is getting all over my hands and wrists. I run around for like a minute searching for a PH strip and test the bottom where the liquid is.

Dark. Brown.

PH of 13.

My skin starts burning. I toss the soap in the trash and run my hands under water for the remainder of the 15 minutes we had left.

Fun, no?

Wouldn’t that be an awesome soap to have. Yes, please, give me the soap with the PH of 13 that can burn through my skin. Thanks!!

rawr.

Erica — Wed, 18 Apr 2007 00:44:21 +0000

Okay. I’m trying REALLY REALLY hard not to say stuff that puts myself down in front of others, but with the new onslaught of bad grades…grade…whatever…I’ve been feeling particularly crappy. Lets just say it was the worst grade I ever got. And now I’m just dieing for this week to end. Trying to be cool about it, but I’m just breaking down all over the place, the grade got me bent out of shape real bad. So. I wanted to apologize from any weird behabiors from me. And that stupid gushy pitiful blog entry. Like I said. Having a bad time.

Walk the streets for money, you don’t care if it’s wrong or if it’s right.

Erica — Sun, 15 Apr 2007 03:09:43 +0000

sometimes I wonder why I find enjoyment in putting myself down. I do it. Alot. In my brain. At night. In conversations. I tell myself I hate myself. But I don’t really hate myself. I set up this whole false world in my head where I’m the empitimy of loserness and patheticness, where everyone hates me and talks about me behind my back, or sometimes dont even bother because im not even good enough to be teased. I feel like blogging about it drives people away from me. I feel like expressing it at all drives people away from me. I want to tell people ‘hey, I think you hate me’ but dude, thats ‘attention seeking’ and ‘compliment fishing’ and whining. I feel talentless, I feel like my accomplishments suck. Inside I can look at something and have two seperate feelings. “You did good Erica.” “This sucks. Dont be happy with it. Hate it. Do better.” or on a test. “You did well on your math test.” “You didn’t get a 100. You need to get 100′s. You need to be the best at something.” Or in the mirror. “Erica, you’re pretty.” “No, you’re not. You need to lose weight and you’re short.”

I’m a human. I have flaws. And I feel like people don’t like me because of it. I feel like my family doesn’t like me because of it. I feel like my friends don’t like me because of it. “Erica, you’re annoying.” “Erica, you need to grow up.” ‘Erica, clean your room and get off the computer, you’re lazy” “Erica, you need to pay attention to school, you need to get a scholarship.” And then, sometimes I know I’m absurd for thinking bad things about myself, because I know they’re not true.

But I find a secret enjoyment out of believing I am worthless, I have a secret enjoyment out of believing no one really likes me. Its all an act. Its all a lie. Striving to be this person that I’m not, striving to not seem egotistical, yet at the same time not trying to seem like I hate myself that much. People will hate you if you hate yourself all the time and pull stupid shit that tests the limits of their friendship, like asking them about their opinion on you and trying to get compliments out of them, talking to them when they dont want to be talked to and generally being moody constantly.

I try sooo hard to act like I like the stuff I make, I’m in just such inside conflict, that even publishing this blog entry will make me believe now everyone really does hate me for suggesting such a thing, and I just made everything worse. Publishing this is attention seeking, its compliment fishing. look at me! look at me! I think I suck and I need to be reasurred that I dont! I dont need to be reasurred. I assure you, I will continue to this this way for a long time, and the lack of being reasurred just makes me feel worse, while being reassured makes me feel better for a short while, but I wind up still feeling sucky and crappy next time.

It amazes me how some people can hate them selves so, because they are absurd. Its absurd. Only I can feel this way because I’m the only one that deserves it. All the others have accomplishments, friends, fans…and then, I feel like I have none. Thats absurd. Everyone has the right to be unhappy with themselves, and everyone has the right to make someone feel better when they do. But should I get that right? No. I don’t deserve it. I shouldn’t hate myself. I’m not good enough to. What the hell? I just contradicted myself.

And if someone close to me feels bad, it’s my fault. All my fault. I should have said something else. And if I do say something now, they aren’t getting any comfort, they simply feel better because somehow they are getting comfort from someone else. I could very well have not had said anything at all. I’m such a burden. And then deep deep down inside, I know although I speak this, its all a fabrication in my mind, deep inside theres something that tells me whats really up, and that I’m not all that bad, but boy that gets overshaddowed alot. A lot. I’m not depressed, I’m too cheery too be depressed, I’m too cheery for my friends, they hate cheery people, they hate me because I am better than them, but I am not, I am not better than them, they are better than me. They hate me because I put myself down when I do something good, it makes them feel like I’m putting down what they do. The girls that get 70′s, and I’m unhappy with my 90′s. But I need to put myself down, reasons unknown, I just do. If I don’t…well that never happens.

Venting like this makes me feel better, it always does, but it leaves me with a worry that now people will judge me, and if there’s one thing I ask, it is not to judge me. I ask to comment, if at all, with honesty. And I want you to know that if you read and rather don’t hate me but are thinking I just don’t feel good today, that is true, and thank you for reading, love you all really =]

Blue moon.

Erica — Sat, 07 Apr 2007 02:08:35 +0000

Okay. I saw Brianna’s amazing moon picture on flickr and now that song is stuck in my head. It really wont go away. And its a really annoying slow tune that is making me uninteresting and slow.

Anyway, I think I might be sicker. Which sucks. Since sometimes it doesn’t suck…like when I lose weight(but even then, its not much weight, and i gain it back within a few monthes). But when my stomach hurts it sucks. But it’s not that bad. Today my stomach really didn’t hurt that much at all except when I was hungry or eating. I will have to stop drinking soda. I noticed that makes me feel really icky. I also get alot of headaches too. Hoping my mom can refill my prescription soon so I can get a fresh start at this ‘take your medicine regularly, for once’ But its a mixture of lazyness and forgetfullness, since i constantly forgot, and when i remember I am too lazy to get up and take my medicine. Which isnt a big deal. 13 pills a day, taken 4 times a day. And its not like when i was younger and put each in my mouth one-by-one. It really would take a second to take my medicine. I just dont bother. I dont know why. Maybe selfconciously I want to be sick again because I lose weight. But I really dont think thats it. Because my stomach hurts alot and its really annoying and I’d rather not deal with it at all. I have no idea.