sometimes I wonder why I find enjoyment in putting myself down. I do it. Alot. In my brain. At night. In conversations. I tell myself I hate myself. But I don’t really hate myself. I set up this whole false world in my head where I’m the empitimy of loserness and patheticness, where everyone hates me and talks about me behind my back, or sometimes dont even bother because im not even good enough to be teased. I feel like blogging about it drives people away from me. I feel like expressing it at all drives people away from me. I want to tell people ‘hey, I think you hate me’ but dude, thats ‘attention seeking’ and ‘compliment fishing’ and whining. I feel talentless, I feel like my accomplishments suck. Inside I can look at something and have two seperate feelings. “You did good Erica.” “This sucks. Dont be happy with it. Hate it. Do better.” or on a test. “You did well on your math test.” “You didn’t get a 100. You need to get 100′s. You need to be the best at something.” Or in the mirror. “Erica, you’re pretty.” “No, you’re not. You need to lose weight and you’re short.”
I’m a human. I have flaws. And I feel like people don’t like me because of it. I feel like my family doesn’t like me because of it. I feel like my friends don’t like me because of it. “Erica, you’re annoying.” “Erica, you need to grow up.” ‘Erica, clean your room and get off the computer, you’re lazy” “Erica, you need to pay attention to school, you need to get a scholarship.” And then, sometimes I know I’m absurd for thinking bad things about myself, because I know they’re not true.
But I find a secret enjoyment out of believing I am worthless, I have a secret enjoyment out of believing no one really likes me. Its all an act. Its all a lie. Striving to be this person that I’m not, striving to not seem egotistical, yet at the same time not trying to seem like I hate myself that much. People will hate you if you hate yourself all the time and pull stupid shit that tests the limits of their friendship, like asking them about their opinion on you and trying to get compliments out of them, talking to them when they dont want to be talked to and generally being moody constantly.
I try sooo hard to act like I like the stuff I make, I’m in just such inside conflict, that even publishing this blog entry will make me believe now everyone really does hate me for suggesting such a thing, and I just made everything worse. Publishing this is attention seeking, its compliment fishing. look at me! look at me! I think I suck and I need to be reasurred that I dont! I dont need to be reasurred. I assure you, I will continue to this this way for a long time, and the lack of being reasurred just makes me feel worse, while being reassured makes me feel better for a short while, but I wind up still feeling sucky and crappy next time.
It amazes me how some people can hate them selves so, because they are absurd. Its absurd. Only I can feel this way because I’m the only one that deserves it. All the others have accomplishments, friends, fans…and then, I feel like I have none. Thats absurd. Everyone has the right to be unhappy with themselves, and everyone has the right to make someone feel better when they do. But should I get that right? No. I don’t deserve it. I shouldn’t hate myself. I’m not good enough to. What the hell? I just contradicted myself.
And if someone close to me feels bad, it’s my fault. All my fault. I should have said something else. And if I do say something now, they aren’t getting any comfort, they simply feel better because somehow they are getting comfort from someone else. I could very well have not had said anything at all. I’m such a burden. And then deep deep down inside, I know although I speak this, its all a fabrication in my mind, deep inside theres something that tells me whats really up, and that I’m not all that bad, but boy that gets overshaddowed alot. A lot. I’m not depressed, I’m too cheery too be depressed, I’m too cheery for my friends, they hate cheery people, they hate me because I am better than them, but I am not, I am not better than them, they are better than me. They hate me because I put myself down when I do something good, it makes them feel like I’m putting down what they do. The girls that get 70′s, and I’m unhappy with my 90′s. But I need to put myself down, reasons unknown, I just do. If I don’t…well that never happens.
Venting like this makes me feel better, it always does, but it leaves me with a worry that now people will judge me, and if there’s one thing I ask, it is not to judge me. I ask to comment, if at all, with honesty. And I want you to know that if you read and rather don’t hate me but are thinking I just don’t feel good today, that is true, and thank you for reading, love you all really =]
